Title: No more regrets (3/5)
Pairing: Jared Leto/Colin Farrell (quite unique, huh? XD)
Warnings: language (hey, Colin is in that story, what do you expect? XD), m/m
slash (Jared is in it with Colin, so what DO you expect? LOL), little
fluff and angst perhaps
Disclaimer: all fiction, never happened and they are not mine (rats, rats
Summary: Colin reflects on his life and looks back with regret, so it’s
from Colin's POV
Out of the corner of my eyes I can see the heads of the people in the audience turn and look at something behind my back and the host must have said something, that again did not register in my absent mind. For crying out loud, Farrell, pull yourself together. You are being totally unprofe … Oh, my God! I have turned, too, to see what everybody is looking at and find myself face to face with a huge screen – and a picture of me and Jared in late 2004 at the “Alexander” premier.
Have I died? Is this hell and as punishment for all the sins I’ve committed in my life, I’m being tortured now in a never ending talk-show by being confronted with what I once had and lost?
I used to love this picture. Jared looked stunning that day, although he had parted with his Hephaistion look despite my protest. Stubborn bastard. A ghost of a smile flashes over my lips.
I can’t tear my eyes off his face. The face I haven’t seen before my very eyes for almost four decades, save for all the dreams it keeps haunting me. I wonder what he looks like these days. It has been a long time since he’s been on screen or toured with the band that does not exist anymore. All comes to an end eventually and when Jared’s older brother Shannon, drummer of 30STM, died about ten years ago, that meant the end for the band as well. Not that they had been touring at that time still. Who in his right mind would pay money to see a couple of old men on stage? So Jared sort of disappeared – from the media’s sight and therewith mine as well. Does he still smile like that? Has he even ever smiled like that again after we were torn apart? On screen he did, sure, but then he was a fabulous actor. But for some reason I always had the impression that those smiles never quite reached his eyes, be it in his movies or in the pictures I’ve seen of him in the papers. Maybe that impression was just a mirror of my own sadness. Perhaps he had found happiness again and if anything, I would have wished him that with all my heart.
The day of the “Alexander” premier, when the picture I find myself staring at in this moment had been taken, we had both been happy. That much I know. Premiers are always exciting events and in most cases mean meeting people again you’ve been working with for months. It’s always a wonderful reunion party before the final farewell. Jared and I hadn’t seen each other for a few weeks before the premier due to other commitments and we had both been looking forward to that day beyond words. I remember the very moment that picture was taken, although I don’t know who took it or remember the actual flashing of flashlights that must have been there. All I saw back then was Jared and the way he seemed to be beaming when he came to stand next to me. I so wanted to kiss him then and had to muster all my willpower to not shove all warnings in the back of my mind aside and go for it, cameras and crowds of people present or not. I think, he felt the same and knew how hard I was trying not to make a wrong move, for he laughed at me before he whispered “Your tent later or mine, myyyy Alexander?” And he looked at my lips when he said that, still smiling all over his face. And looking at the screen before me now I can tell, that the photographer pushed the shutter release in that very second.
“ Now, that is the two of you together at the premier of “Alexander” in 2004, is that right, Mr. Farrell?”
Reluctantly I turn away from the screen back to the young host and can barely refrain from snorting, for he makes 2004 sound like he was talking about the middle ages.
“ That’s right. That was on November 16th, 2004. A Tuesday.”
And if that kid drops a stupid remark now on what a lovely couple we were, I swear to God, by the end of this day I will not only have made a come-out and ruined my reputation, but committed murder as well. But instead I can see him stare at me with what is surprise and admiration combined. Up until now I must have given him the impression of an old, semi-senile man, who is unable to answer a question straight. To hear me date a single event down to the day of the week, sure took him off guard.
I’m not going to tell these people why I will always remember that certain day. Not just because it was a great premier and one hell of an after-premier party, but because of the night that followed that said party. The night that Jared and I spent in each other’s arms and made love to each other for the first time.
I know Angelina would have killed to take Jared’s place that night and, of course, the papers around the country announced all too quickly that in fact she had spent that night with me. They said the same about Jared and her at some other time and perhaps she even hinted a thing like that to the press herself, because for once a guy had dared to turn her down. Fat lies, as usual. Neither Jared, nor I have ever touched the lady, who only a short while later comforted her hurt ego by stealing Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. Hollywood is a quick market and you sometimes wonder, if you are at a livestock auction. Sodom and Gomorrah were probably monasteries compared to Hollywood. Although it is scandalizing for some part, it can be quite entertaining, too. If only to read in the papers, who you have allegedly spent the night with again. Well, many of these stories in my case were true, too, I’ve got to admit that. But Angelina was an exception. For while she was sitting shamelessly close to me during the “Alexander” movie was being shown, I held on to Jared’s hand on my other side, our knees pressed together, his thumb teasingly circling the back of my fingers and I’m sure, I haven’t paid attention to one single minute of the entire three-hour film. It was tough enough not to grow hard each time Hephaistion and Alexander hugged each other tight on screen, for I knew just how tight our hugs used to be even during shooting. It was a damn blessing our robes had been as wide and loose as they had been, otherwise Oliver would have had one hell of a problem to keep the rating for that film below NC-17.
I suppress a giggle thinking back to those days and my host is visibly relieved, that I seem to have found my composure again. Although I can tell from the look in his eyes that he is wondering, whether I have lost it completely now giggling like an idiot.
“ So, Colin …”
Oh-ha, we are back in therapy. Gotta be casual and friendly with people that are about to lose their mind, right kid?`
“ … I am not entirely sure, how to continue from here.”
Hell, you haven’t had a clue from the very start, so what else is new? I try not to look bored or annoyed and rather opt for taking another sip of my water, while the so-called talk-show host tries to come up with something smart to say for a change.
“ Now, we all have heard quite a lot about you in the beginning of our conversation, but I’m afraid very few people in our audience know Jared Leto. So perhaps you’d like to tell us a little bit about him? In the picture, we still see on the screen behind you, he looks like a very sweet and endearing person.”
I almost choke on my water. Sweet and endearing?! Now, where have I heard that combination of words before, that so does not fit Jared’s characteristics. Against my will I’ve got to laugh.
“ Sweet and endearing.” I must sound like a parrot. “ Jeez, no. Sweet and endearing is Orlando Bloom. We are talking about Jared Leto. That’s like comparing Venus and Mars.”
Odd that this comparison is not even that far off. Venus – sweet, caring, kind, pretty Goddess of love. And Mars – vibrant, energetic, handsome and aggressive God of war. Orlando Bloom is the male answer to Mother Theresa, I swear to God. That guy is too good to be true and the closest thing in the earthly world to the Dalai Lama I’ve ever come across. He is polite, has perfect manners, seems to be in an everlasting good mood with his girly giggle and boyish smile. He is as androgynous as the Elf he depicted in Lord of the Rings a felt 100 years ago and that made him rich and famous right from the start of his career. He started at the top, but that never made his feet lose solid ground. He was always securely earthed, perhaps because he chose a friend and mentor at any set he ever worked on, who would take him under his wing, and Orlando would gratefully follow that someone around like a little puppy dog, with big brown admiring eyes and lots of affection.
I know there have been rumours about him as well back then. Hell, in this business hardly anyone is ever spared from them, for the vultures out there want to sell their stories and if they don’t have any, they make some up. Many wondered for a while, if “Orli” wasn’t perhaps swinging the other way, since he seem to be especially close to his male co-stars. First of all Viggo Mortensen, who played the Elf’s counterpart in Lord of the Rings. I remember seeing pictures of them at one of the premiers with their arms around each other, hugging tight and kissing each other’s cheek repeatedly. No miracle a display of affection like that triggered speculations. But after Lord of the Rings the two of them were never seen around each other anymore and for years to come Orlando only ever showed up in public with his long-time girl-friend. The speculations stopped then, but I still wonder sometimes. Wonder, if perhaps he and Viggo have made the same fatal decision as Jared and I. Perhaps those two are fellow sufferers out there, keeping up appearances for the sake of their careers and reputations, doomed to sadness and regret till the end. For the sake of both of them, I hope this is not a fact in their case. Perhaps their display of affection was simply a friendly gesture of brotherly love, no more.
After all, Orlando is said to cuddle everything that moves, be it on two or four legs. Man, that guy sure is a cuddler. No-one is ever safe from being hugged or smooched by him - not that anybody ever minds, for in fact he truly is sweet and endearing. You just have to love him. And, hell, many do – if only from the far, for while Jay and I were once called two of Holly-wood’s biggest whores, Orlando has always been as faithful as they come and stuck exclusively to one woman. If he ever dated anyone, that relationship was sure to last for years. I bet, he has never had more women than fingers on one hand, but I’m not even sure, if I envy him for the happiness he has hopefully found or feel sorry for the poor guy. One-night-stands and affairs were never for Orlando Bloom – I bet, he has never fucked a girl he wasn’t utterly in love with. I think, I remember him getting married to his long-term girlfriend sometime around 2011 or 2012 and having several kids in the years to follow, but I’m not certain of that. It’s not my habit to keep track of other people’s life – I have enough to deal with in my own bloody one.
Now Jared, my God of war, is a totally different kind of person. He has never been out to be liked by people – not if that meant being sweet and endearing. He used to say, that if some-one wanted to befriend him, that person would have to earn his friendship, not the other way round. And if people did not accept him the way he was, he didn’t want to have anything to do with them. While Orlando’s charm opened him many door, just as many were slammed into Jared’s face, when he displayed his provocative attitude. But he is of the opinion that only that way he is able to find out, what doors are worth being knocked at in the first place. If people behind those doors judge only by first impression or appearances, there is no common ground to build upon in his eyes. And perhaps he is right to think that way, but it made his way to the top far more difficult. Many people think of him as arrogant, conceited, impolite and aggressive. Those are the people that look away too quickly, when the first impression does not suit their expectations or likings. In truth he is nothing of that – in fact, he had to struggle all his life against a profound insecurity, a need to be acknowledged as a musician as well as an actor. And he went to hell and back freely to ever deliver the best possible performances, no matter what toll that took on his mental or physical state. He wanted to be loved so badly, but not just for his baby-blue eyes or his pretty smile, for he is so much more than that. One thing, I can clearly say about him, is that he has a weird sense of humour and always gets a good personal laugh out of mocking people mercilessly, but in a quite subtle way. He knows right from the start, who is able to see through his mocking and will meet him eye to eye in a clever verbal confrontation. Those are the people that get the best interviews from him, for he is as smart as he is handsome (and although he is even five years older than I am, there is no doubt on my mind that he is still handsome, even in old age). Those who fail the test go down without a chance and he loves to turn tables on them, answer questions with questions and put that poor person completely off his stride. There are quite a few show-masters, who hate him profoundly and downright refuse to ever host him in their shows again. Not that Jared would care to go there in the first place, for stupid people bore him more than anything and he lets them feel it.
What he loved with all his heart was his brother Shannon and their band. It had taken him years to bring 30STM from an insider’s tip to an internationally successful band and he worked tirelessly with Shan to compose new songs and prepare their tours. Along with that he tended to his rock star image that included wearing eyeliner and the most fantastic hair styles at times. Over the years, I think, I’ve seen every variation of hair length and colours imaginable on him – save for green or blue, that would probably have suited him, too. Giving people the finger became the band’s trademark and while many saw it as a proof of Jared’s bad manners and impudence, only those who cared to ask understood that it was just for show and part of the game. He never meant to insult anyone and it even became an insider joke between the band’s members and their fans, the infamous Echelons, to yell “Fuck you” at each other during concerts, instead of the common, boring “We love you”. It meant the same and everybody knew that – everybody who made the effort to look behind the façade.
As soon as the eyeliner came off, Jared was just Jared again and while the papers were never tired to fish for stories of him getting into fights with people, which he did at times, truth to be told, he still is half as pugnacious as they depicted him. If being provoked he will fight back or lash out at people for little reasons, if the day has been long and tiring and too many obstacles have obstructed his rocky path once again. He is no saint – he is only human.
But I’ve seen him laugh whole-heartedly. I’ve seen him hug his brother, his mom and granny, for his family meant the world to him. I’ve seen him cry, too, when he had to fight in too many directions at once and frustration had overwhelmed him. And I have seen his soft and tender side so many times that I cannot see anything else in him, but the loveable person that he is. And I feel there are no words in the world that will ever describe properly just how much I still love him.
I remember an interview ages ago, when my heart was faster than my mind for a second and took over control of my tongue before I could do anything about it. Jared is cute. I think, those were my words back then and the moment I heard myself say them, I could picture Jay at home in front of the TV, ready to bloody kill me the second I dared face him ever again. Not really because I had almost outed us (and somehow I was close at that moment and sort of wanted to say it, too, before I reconsidered), but simply because I did it without him having a say in the matter (and perhaps that was the reason for me reconsidering). No-one in his right mind would dare cross Jared Leto. He is not as aggressive as he might have wanted people to believe to tend his rock star image or the papers liked to depict him, but he sure is no pacifist, either. After all, he named his band 30 Seconds to Mars – not Venus or Jupiter. No, Mars. And I guess, he was quite aware of his hot-headed side and liked it.
I got quite a few punches and kicks during my time with him – and most of them were deserved, too. I wonder, if I have to fear an assassination as soon as he hears about this show. I not just outed us after all these years, but told the world rather detailed about him without asking for permission first.
I cannot help sighing for a moment, when I realize, that I don’t even know where he is at this moment. He sold his and Shannon’s house after his brother’s death and moved to another place. I never knew where that place was. I have no clue what he is up to these days, how he is faring. Does he still think of me at all? Has he perhaps found a new love in the end and does not even care about me anymore? Although I wish him all the happiness in the world, the thought, that I may not matter to him anymore, hurts deeply and I have to fight new tears for a second.
I’m not the only one in this studio, who cannot help a sigh, for the young guy before me notices my repeated mood swing and cuts into my monolog quickly to get my mind off whatever disturbed me again. Poor kid. I start actually feeling sorry for him. He will need a therapy after this show has ended and I cannot even recall his bloody name.
“ Coincidentally we hosted Orlando Bloom only last month and he is leading a happy life with his family back in England. I thought, perhaps you would like to learn that, even though Mr. Bloom and your … beloved did not get along.”
Beloved. Come on, you coward, the word for it is boyfriend or lover. Why the fuck is it so hard to say that? And when the hell did I say Jay and Orli didn’t get along? On the contrary, despite their differences they had many things in common, too, and they had actually become friends at one point. But then it was hard not to befriend Orlando. Yet he in return seemed to have grown quite fond of Jay as well. They were both adrenalin junkies, loving risky sports and doing risky stuff in general, like riding their motorcycles or climbing up stage structures or balconies – the latter almost leaving Orlando paralyzed, when he took a bad fall. I used to have major toothaches after each of Jared’s concerts, when he pulled stunts like that, for I must have clenched my teeth all the time till he was safely back on his feet, the crackpot. Orli and he both were vegetarians, didn’t smoke and, Lord have mercy on my Irish soul, could hold less liquor than my sisters.
I remember one occasion of Jared showing up home with Orlando in his tow, after they had met at one of the countless events stars get invited to constantly, and both of them cooking up a storm in Jay’s kitchen (we weren’t living together yet at that time), preparing some disgusting tofu stuff no-one in his right mind would consider eating. They made me though and why I ever humoured those two nutters and didn’t just go home to a cold beer and a proper steak is still beyond me. I remember them having a ball watching my features derail while eating their weird stuff, for which I got back to them by insisting on some vine to go with the yummy tofu. We emptied two bottles and after that both of them were lit and giggling like little girls. I should have filmed that and post it on YouTube, but knowing Jared that would probably have resulted in me waking up one morning with green dyed hair or shit like that.
I giggle again and I’m sure the kid is ready to call the shrinks any minute now, for I seem to switch between ridiculous giggles and sudden outbreaks of tears. I’m making a mental note to fire Claudine as soon as I get out of this bloody studio. Can’t believe the crap she has gotten me into here. Then again, I’m not even quite sure how much of all the countless thoughts that have evaded my mind ever left my mouth – perhaps I truly am losing it now? – and after this show she might deny that she even knows me, not to mention us being related. Couldn’t blame her. She had to put up with so much from me over the years. But no matter what sort of trouble I got myself into, she never seized sticking to me like glue, covering my back, preparing public announcements to limit the damage and keeping the lid on it, when I had to go in for yet another rehab. I have long lost count how many I have gone through in my life. The latest one only a few months ago. Spent my fucking birthday in a clinic – not that I had felt the need for a party. What’s to celebrate, when you are old and lonesome and yet again addicted to some shit?
Here the entire world thought I was one of the tough guys, but in truth I’m even too weak to stay away from those damned pills, the booze and the freaking cigarettes. And, damnit, I still do need a smoke! Here I am for over one and a half hours now with no fag and only water. I so will fire Claudine. She deserves better anyhow. Should have let her go a long time ago, to get a decent job for someone who is worth her efforts. When I told her so years ago, she simply shrugged her shoulders and tried to lighten my mood by reciting one of my lines.
Problem is I love you too much.
It didn’t lighten my mood. It almost made me break down and cry like a wimp again and I literally fled the room back then and locked myself in the bedroom, hitting my poor innocent pillow for half an hour, while I tried not to scream. Couldn’t tell my dear sister that it was the world’s worst timing to recite lines from a movie to me, that reminded me so painfully of losing the love of my life. That happened a month after Jared’s and my parting.
Perhaps, if Jay had remained a part of my life, I would have gotten hold of my addictions. He may have given me the strength to stay away from the darned stuff, for how can a person get royally drunk in a house, where the fridge is loaded with soy milk instead of beer? If I had had one steady thing in a life that is ever changing, an anchor to sanity in all this madness, it may have saved me from myself. Just someone to be there. Just someone to love me.