Title: No more regrets (5/5)
Pairing: Jared Leto/Colin Farrell (quite unique, huh? XD)
Warnings: language (hey, Colin is in that story, what do you expect? XD), m/m
slash (Jared is in it with Colin, so what DO you expect? LOL), little
fluff and angst perhaps
Disclaimer: all fiction, never happened and they are not mine (rats, rats
Summary: Colin reflects on his life and looks back with regret, so it’s
from Colin's POV
Jared snorts and waves that comment off with a wave of his hand.
“ Impossible and you know it. Alexander is actually gorgeous though – and he’s not blond.”
I cannot help grinning. Then, before I speak again, I actually look around if we are being eavesdropped before I whisper to Jay:
“ Speaking of Alexander and Hephaistion: Is it true then? They were lovers?”
Jared leans closer and whispers back conspiratorially:
“ Can’t keep their hands off each other.”
I pull back and give his cheek a light clap.
“ Yup, I think, I will like it here.”
Jay laughs lightly before he replies:
“ Not that you had an alternative. Rumour has it that the boss downstairs downright refused to let you in. He allegedly said, there was only room for one bad boy in Hell.”
I hear myself snicker.
“ Is he Irish?”
We are both laughing again before suddenly, as if a switch has been turned, falling quiet. I find myself looking deeply into the eyes of my beloved and I almost drown in them. I raise both of my hands to fork my fingers slowly and relishing through Jay’s silky and thick hair.
“ I was a fool to ever let you go.”
This time my voice is choked, but I don’t care that he sees my tears.
“ And I was a fool to leave you. There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t regretted that.” His eyes become quite shiny, too, before he continues. “ I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to go back to you. How many times I actually went to our house – at nights, when I was sure no paps were around.”
“ You were there?”
“ Yes. I sat on the beach in the darkness and stared at the house for hours at times, watching your silhouette behind the blinds. Until the day the “Sold” sign was up and you were gone.”
Tears run over both our faces now unbothered.
“ I couldn’t bear all the memories there anymore. The place was too empty without you and it was driving me insane. I never dared going to your house, though. The paparazzi seemed to have a campsite in that neighbourhood. But I drove by a couple of times, hoping to see you on the street, but it never happened. And then you sold that house after Shannon’s death and I never knew anymore where you were.”
Jared raises one hand and runs his palm tenderly over my cheek.
“ I bought our old house back, babe. I thought, if you would ever go looking for me, you would check there. I was so hoping you’d be standing in front of the door one day. But that never happened, either.”
I lean forward and press my forehead to his.
“ If I had only known. I would have come back to you.”
His hands resume their tender caress on my back and I relish the warmth and smooth touch.
“ Did you know, I’ve seen all of your movies?”
A smile spreads over my face.
“ And I yours.”
My smile is being mirrored on his face.
“ Back row in the late-night show?”
I suppress a giggle, while I nod and a roguish smirk replaces his former sweet smile.
“ Did you touch yourself?”
I pull back a little, so I can see his eyes better and see a well known sparkle in them. He’s got a truly filthy mind – perhaps that is what made us the perfect match.
“ Sure I did.”
“ Dirty birdie.”
I just have to laugh, knowing how much he likes that expression.
“ You had a ball at that interview back then, hadn’t you?
“ Oh, yeah. That was one of my best, don’t you think?”
I make a fist and knock him feather-light across the yaw.
“ Yeah, one of your best “let’s humiliate the host” interviews, you bastard. No wonder, nobody wanted you in their shows anymore.”
He takes a step back and snorts.
“ Like I would care. Stupid interviews. And that girl answered her own bloody questions so nicely.”
I grin at him.
“ Since you didn’t do it, she had no choice.”
He gives a dismissive gesture with his hand.
“ Ah, come on, Col. It was simply annoying to be asked the obvious about Alexander and Hephaistion all the time. Were they lovers? I think, despite the sad fact that we never got to kiss on screen, Oliver left a pretty clear message. And the question pissed me off. Damn, it’s nobody’s business whether they fucked or not and why is that so important, that it had to be the essential question of every bloody interview?”
Tears pool in his eyes suddenly and I understand. I pull him back into a tight embrace and caress his hair soothingly.
“ Was it Alexander and Hephaistion you were protecting back then, or us?”
He buries his face on my neck and I can feel his warm breath on my skin there, while he is slowly regaining his composure.
“ Do you have to ask?”
I place my cheek on top of his head in an almost protective gesture and give him a firm hug without saying a word. I know, he understands.
“ Alexander was a greater man than I was. He had more courage in his pinkie than I had altogether.”
Jared lifts his head and looks at me with a frown.
“ Why do you say that?”
I press my forehead to his and give a deep sigh.
“ Because he never denied loving Hephaistion. Be it his mother or his generals or his bloody wife, he let the entire world know just how much Hephaistion meant to him.”
I let go and turn around, almost ashamed to look into those big blue eyes a moment longer.
“ When our road started to get rocky, I gave up immediately. I stood in front of these fucking cameras telling the world that, no, of course you and I were not a couple and how dare they allege such a thing. That naturally we were just friends.”
“ Colin …”
Jared is suddenly behind me and wraps his arms around my waist from behind, pressing his cheek to my back.
“ If you blame yourself for that, I’m no less a coward. Although they hated him, although it caused him lots of trouble and although he must have hurt at times, Hephaistion stood by Alexander no matter what and loved him unconditionally. I stood in front of those cameras, too, Colin. And I made the same denial. That’s what we agreed to back then for the sake of our careers and reputations.”
I get a hold on one of the hands in front of my stomach and lace my fingers with Jared’s.
“ I know. But my reputation didn’t warm me in cold and lonely nights. And my bloody career didn’t keep me company when I was sick or sad. I had everything we gave each other up for, but it never meant anything at all – not for one fucking, lonesome day. It was a wasted life.”
Jay lets go of my hand and grabs my shoulder to turn me around.
“ You don’t know that. We both wanted that success and that career – that was our dream, that’s what we had worked for so hard. If we had given it up for each other, we may have regretted that all our lives – and we would have blamed it on the other eventually. Love may have turned into hate and anger and something utterly beautiful would have been destroyed.”
He wraps his arms around my neck and plays with the hair at the nap of my neck.
“ It may have been for the better, babe, although it didn’t feel it. So no more regrets, Col. We are back together now and nothing is ever gonna tear us apart again.”
My heart seems to swell about three sizes, like that of the Grinch, when he finally under-stands the meaning of Christmas. And somehow this feels like Christmas, too, and I just got the best bloody present I ever got in my entire life.
I bend forward and place a tender kiss on the smooth lips before me.
“ I love you.”
Jay smiles against my lips.
“ I love you, too.”
He presses his lips harder to mine for a moment, before pulling back with an expression on his face, as though he just remembered something utterly important he had forgotten to tell me about. Well, with him I can at least be 120% certain that the big news is not that he’s pregnant.
“ You know, Cols, there are a couple of folks in there waiting for you, who love you, too. “
For a moment I’m confused. Then sudden realization hits me and my heart seems to skip a beat.
Jared nods with a smile.
“ And your parents and grandparents, to name only a few.”
I must look overjoyed and excited like a little kid all of a sudden and Jare’s smile widens. And the moment I see that enchanting smile, a though flashes through my mind.
“ Then two third of the band are back together, too, huh? Shannon?”
Jay’s smile disappears suddenly and he lowers his eyes, while he shakes his head with a pained expression on his face.
“ No, unfortunately not. It hurts me a lot, but my big brother didn’t get access and had to go downstairs.”
I stare at him for a moment and then can’t help laughing.
“ I don’t believe a word of that! Not again, Leto. If you made it past that gate, Shan did with flying colours. He isn’t half as bad as you.”
Jared raises his head and chuckles.
“ Well, I’ll be damned. Got you only two out of three. Gotta improve my mocking skills again.”
Can’t help rolling my eyes.
“ Yeah, am I lucky to be back around you, so you can pick up where you left off 40 years ago. Ain’t that gonna be fun.”
Jared does not reply. With an amused snicker, he simply gets hold of my hand and pulls me along toward the said gate. I can’t deny, that I’m a little nervous. If they let me pass, hell, like everybody has got to get admission here these days. Must be a pretty dull and empty place downstairs. Despite better knowledge, I have to voice my worries to Jay, although that will make me the perfect victim for his teasing again.
“ You’re sure they will even let me in?”
I’m surprised to see an expression of genuine shock on his face when he turns to look at me.
“ Just what do you think of yourself, Colin Farrell? First you call yourself a coward and now you believe your own bad boy crap enough to fear denial from Heaven? Don’t you know your own heart, man?”
I don’t know what to say and just stare at him dumbfounded. He wraps his left arm around my waist and pulls me close, while he places the palm of his right hand over my heart.
“ I do, though, for I’ve been in there for more than half of your life. And I can hear my own echo in there, for it’s so big.”
I can’t help laughing.
“ Must bug the hell out of you.”
He remains serious.
“ Not at all. And it’s an honour to be pretty much alone in there, save for a few dear relatives.”
I pull him even closer and whisper:
“ Then you better like solitude, for there will never be a crowd in there. It’s exclusively for my family – and that includes you.”
The next moment our lips meet and my heart picks up its pace again. Please, dear God, find someone else to play the harp on cloud Nine for the next millennium or so, for this man and I have a lot of catching-up to do.”
Reluctantly I part from the delicious lips again and Jared smiles at me for a moment, before he takes my hand again and leads me toward the gate. We only manage a few steps, before I stop and pull him back again.
“ No, wait.”
Can’t help hugging him. Darn, when have I started to be such a teddy bear?
“ Just a moment longer, Jay, please. If everybody, who ever died is in there, it must be a bloody amusement park at summer break and I’m not in the mood for crowds. It’s so nice and quiet out here.”
I see an eyebrow being raised in the beautiful face before me and blue eyes widening in disbelieve.
“ Cols, that’s not an Irish pub in there. Believe me – there’s plenty of space and privacy.”
I bend to kiss Jared’s neck.
My kisses become more ardent, while my hands run over the perfect body I press tightly to my own.
“ Are you sure?” I manage to choke out, while licking along my lover’s jaw-line and nibbling on his earlobe.
He moans softly and tilts his head to give me better access to his neck.
“ Nothing is ever certain,” he replies, before he falls quiet and his hands pull the shirt out of my waistband and slip underneath the fabric to caress my bare skin.
I capture his lips with mine and our tongues meet almost immediately to start a heated battle for territory, pushing back and forth like dancing. After a few moments I “win” and my tongue goes exploring in his hot mouth.
I’ve always had the impression, that I was in control during our love-making, that I was the dominant part and in almost all cases I topped Jared, while he willingly submitted himself to be bottom. Now, for the first time I wonder, if my stubborn, passionate lover perhaps lets me be dominant and it’s truly him, who’s always ever been in control. Would be just like him. God, how I love this man. How I want this man.
My brain stops working, when his teasing hands move lower and get a hard grip on my butt, pulling me closer and pressing our groins together. It’s my turn to moan when my member reacts instantly and I feel my legs turn to jelly. I let myself sink to the ground and pull Jared along, while we resume our ardent kisses and caresses.
This sure is a day for firsts. Making love to my long lost love at the gates of Heaven is just added to the list.
We start pulling on each others clothes like mad, hands all over the other’s body and the function of our brains is clearly overpowered by the demand of other body parts. Feels like there is no blood in my head left to keep my brain working anyhow – it’s all down in my groin and I almost feel dizzy, but who the fuck cares? My hands are shaking, when I open the button of Jared’s pants and pull it from his hips in one rough jerk. Our foreplay used to be longer than that, but at this rate I suppose, we both consider 40 years enough bloody time for a foreplay.
I need to be finally compete again. Have to be inside of him. And when I am, I’m crying. Hot tears of relief, of bliss, of overflowing emotions, that had to be kept at bay for so long, break free and I weep, while I thrust into the lean, beautiful body beneath me. We are finally one again.
It doesn’t last long, for we are both unable and unwilling to hold back and come violently together. I don’t think, I’ve ever felt it that intense and when I collapse next to Jare, I can’t help sobbing like an idiot, while I pull him near.
I’ve got him back. Our love survived all these decades of being separated and now he’s finally mine with no paparazzi around to destroy our miracle ever again. I’m certain that all of those jerks are definitely downstairs.
His hand runs tenderly over my hair and he bends forward to kiss the tears from my cheeks.
“ When did you turn into such a big Nelly?”
A grin flashes over my face and I think about a riposte, but decide against the friendly bantering that would start again and simply pinch his butt. He flinches, while he starts laughing and I know at this moment that I’m in Heaven. To hear him laugh, while his warm and smooth body is pressed against mine, would be Heaven in any place.
I pull back a little and look into his eyes, tenderly running my fingertips over his face.
“ I suppose this (and I mean our current occupation) means 40 extra Our Father prayers then, huh?”
He laughs again.
“ Yeah, for each of us.”
I don’t know how long we’ve been lying in each other’s arms, caressing each other, savouring in the warmth and closeness that has been missing for so long. But eventually we get up and dress again, ready to finally make for the gate.
A few steps away from it, I pull on Jared’s hand and make him stop. I can almost see him roll his eyes, before he turns to me with an “Now what?” expression on his face.
“ Yes, Colin?”
I can’t help smirking. He sounds like that talk-show kid now, ready to call the shrinks. I wonder, if we ever gonna make it through that gate and I guess, he just asked himself the same question. When I don’t answer immediately, his patience seems to wear off considerably.
“ What, Col? If you are worried about a dress code or anything, relax. With your way of dressing, every club in L.A. would have kicked you out in most cases, but they are quite liberal up here.”
“ Good for you. Knowing you, you probably showed up here wearing these ridiculous silver rubber clogs or your fluffy house shoes, in which you even presented yourself on the streets of said city.”
A grin flashes over Jay’s face.
“ And both of them were the talk of the week as soon as the paparazzi had their pictures in the net. It was so easy at times to give people a reason to gossip.”
“ You did that deliberately?”
“ Sure. As long as they were busy gossiping about my outfit, they didn’t pay attention to more important things that were none of their fucking business.”
The smile is gone and the anger is back. Damn, that has not been my intention. I guess, there are scars on both of our souls what will take a long time still to heal. I wonder, if he needs me to comfort him now and decide, that going along with his mood will only worsen matters more, so I opt for ignoring it.
“ Well, if they even let you pass here on your bunny slippers, I guess, I’m on the safe side.”
“ I never wore bunny slippers, you asshole.”
A ghost of a smile tugs at the corners of his lips and then is gone again.
“ If you need to know, I didn’t wear any shoes at all when I died.”
I feel my throat closing up. I haven’t ask him yet how he died and somehow, I didn’t feel the need to, but now he brought it up and there is no way to ignore that subject any longer.
“ You died on my birthday.”
I see him clench his teeth and nod.
“ I know. I chose that date deliberately.”
It takes a moment for his sentence to register, but when it does, it feels like a punch in the stomach.
“ You chose that date? Does that mean, you … ? God, Jared, what have you done?”
He shrugs his shoulders and I can see him fighting back tears.
“ Colin, I was all alone. My entire family had died before me and my best friend Tomo didn’t recognize me anymore. He’s got Alzheimer and doesn’t recognize anyone anymore these days. Youth, looks and fame were long gone and my voice failed me more and more, so I couldn’t even sing anymore. I was all alone in our beach house, looking back on a life with too many regrets, too much pain and there was no-one to talk to, to hold me, to keep me company. I just couldn’t bear it any longer.”
I feel my own tears pool in my eyes now and reach out to pull Jared into my arms. He wraps his arms around me and continues in a choked voice.
“ I never forgot your birthday and I had a cake and a present for you every year – and one for Christmas, too. In a way, I was hoping you’d perhaps show up on the doorstep one day on one of those occasions or I would see the day that you’d come home and I could give all these presents to you. They’ve been piling up in the attic of our house, for hope dies last as they say. When I added the 80th box to that attic, I figured, enough was enough. There was no sense in sticking around any longer, so I took a coward’s way out.”
I hug him even closer and squeeze my eyes shut in order to stop the tears from falling, with no success though.
“ How …?”
“ Sleeping pills. Lots of them. I sent my lawyer a letter before that weekend, so someone would know and they would ever even find me, otherwise … Who would have missed me?”
“ But why my birthday, Jay?”
“ Because it was a special date. A day I was hoping, you’d have fun with your family and friends around you. And perhaps even a new love. I had no way of knowing, if you even still thought of me, still cared at all. On your birthday I felt close to you sort of. Can’t explain it any other way. And I had to make sure, my lawyer wouldn’t get my letter too early – early enough to stop me or bring me back. Your birthday was a Sunday this year. Sundays are special. I was born on a Sunday, so that date seemed to be perfect in any way to take my leave.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just pull back a little to clasped his face with both hands and kiss him tenderly.
“ I haven’t stop thinking of you for one single day.”
“ Neither have I. – So, are you ready for a happy ever after?”
He raises a hand to wipe his tears away and the smile is back. Happy ever after? Interesting choice of words.
“ You’re not popping the question here, are you?”
The smile turns into a grin before he starts laughing.
“ No way, Farrell. According to Eamon that should have been your part, but he told me not to hold my breath. He said: Knowin’ me baby brother that stupid bloke doesn’t notice the best thing that ever happened to him, even if it’s shoved right into his face”.
Thanks a lot, bro. With a big brother like that, who needs enemies? I make a mental note to kick his ass as soon as I see him again. Sad thing is, he’s probably right.
Jared takes my hand and squeezes it with a loving smile.
“ Come on now. There’s no need to pop the question, babe. You are stuck with me for all eternity anyway.”
I look into those gorgeous eyes and I’m stunned, for to be stuck with this man for all eternity – contrary to all the gals, who ever hoped to wear my ring - suddenly does indeed sound like the best thing that ever happened to me.
I interlace my fingers with Jay’s and follow him to the gate. He holds his breath for a second when we’re near it, almost expecting me to pull him back yet again, but this time we make it through and bright light greets me again. This time though, I don’t feel like complaining about light controls when an overwhelming wave of love washes over me and makes me gasp. Perhaps they don’t hate me up here after all.
I wrap my arm around Jared’s shoulder, while his arm snakes around my waist and I sigh.
I know, there is at least one person here who loves me with all of his heart and what else does it take to feel happy and content for all eternity?
“ What did you make me look like?”
He just laughs, while he lets go of me and walks on, leaving me standing there like a complete fool.
Can’t see him anymore against the bright light, but I still hear him snicker.
“ Jared Leto!”
This for all eternity? Bloody hell. Even if it means another 40 Our Fathers, I will definitely kick a few butts here. Then I can’t help laughing myself and follow Jared into the light. Even if I will have green hair in his eyes for all eternity, I couldn’t care less. Minding appearances is in the past. Image is history.
Jared, myyyy Jared is the future and my family and he are everything I still care for. Yup, I will definitely like it here.
I’ll be with you always – till the end.